Better Not Love Me Read online

  But it was Edwin who thought to look at Rocktop Lake on top of Settler's Bluff. It was a long shot, but the boys had been given hockey gear for Christmas and the frozen lake on the bluff overlooking the town was the only place they could skate on. Edwin, an experienced equestrian rider borrowed a horse and climbed the steep trail, battling the blizzard for the chance that he'd find the boys.

  When he did find them, Marcus had fallen through the water and had just been pulled out by Max. The boys were trapped on an island in the middle of the lake, hypothermic, and afraid to try to cross the frozen water again for fear of falling through. Edwin tied a rope to the shore and crossed the cracking ice. By holding the rope tight from the island, he helped Max cross to the shore, but Marcus was too wet and weak to walk by himself. Edwin tied the rope to Marcus and carried the boy, but the additional weight was too much for the thin ice and they both fell through. Max pulled Marcus to shore. He then pulled Edwin to shore too, but it was too late for him.

  Edwin had a weak heart. The shock of the water and the physical exertion was simply too much for him. He told the boys to leave him. "Don't wait for me," he had said because he knew his time was up.

  Had Edwin not risked his life to find the boys, it's likely they would not have been found until morning. Who knows if they would have been alive or not. Amelia owed Edwin for her son's life and she had never even seen the place where he rescued them. Until today.

  Chapter 15

  Rocktop Lake

  Amelia parked the car on the street next to the fire station, which was adjacent to the trailhead to Rocktop Lake.

  "I know you're not talking to me, but you're going to have to lead the way," Amelia told Marcus. "I've never been up here before."

  "It's been a long time for me too, obviously," Marcus grunted, then slammed the car door and started walking to the trailhead.

  Amelia grabbed her backpack and followed Marcus up the trail. Despite the early summer sun, she had no trouble remembering what it was like on that wintery December day when the snowdrifts were past her knees. She was sweating almost instantly from the climb.

  "Can you slow down a little?" she asked, trying to catch her breath.

  Marcus stopped at a fork of the trail. He looked both ways. A flat trail to the left and a steep embankment on the right. He climbed the embankment, then turned back and offered his mother his hand to climb up. She accepted and he hoisted her up next to him.

  They were now on another trail that seemingly led in the other direction.

  "Are you sure this is the way?" Amelia asked.

  Marcus said nothing, just continued on the trail.

  For 20 to 30 minutes they followed the path through several more twists and turns before finding a pathway through the trees to the isolated lake. Her legs were weak from the climb and she was glad to be on level ground.

  Tall trees hugged the shoreline of the small lake. The path wound through thick grasses along the edge of the water. It was actually very pretty, she thought. Peaceful too. The sun was up enough to cast long shadows across the still water. A hawk flew overhead, watching them.

  Marcus stopped walking and pointed to a mound of land in the water. It was the island he and Max had been trapped on.

  "It looks bigger now," Marcus said. "I think the water is lower."

  He sat down on the beach and rested his arms on his knees, then his chin on his arms, just surveying the water. Amelia sat down next to him.

  "Do you think about this place much?" she asked.

  She could see the tears already welling up in his eyes. His lower lip was trembling slightly. He turned his face away from her.

  "Every day," he said, wiping away the tears with the back of his hands.

  Amelia hadn’t seen Marcus show this sort of emotion about anything in a long time. She wanted him to let his feelings out, but she also didn’t want to press him.

  "You know Edwin cared about you, right?"

  He nodded.

  "I guess," he said quietly.

  "That's why he came up here looking for you and Max. He was worried about you and wanted you to be OK."

  Marcus stood up, instantly angry. She hadn't expected the outburst, but understood. She climbed to her feet as well and followed Marcus as he paced.

  "If I hadn't gone to Mr. Z's and took that doll for Susanna, he'd still be alive today," Marcus said, his voice straining with emotion at the reference to when he originally met Edwin. "We'd have never gone to that stupid hockey game. You would never have bought me ice skates for Christmas. Max and I wouldn’t have come up here. And it wouldn’t have mattered that Edwin cared about me. He never would have even known me and he'd still be around. Alive."

  "Honey, you can't think like that."

  "Why not?" Marcus spit the words out. "It's the truth isn't it? If not for me. Edwin would be alive today."

  "Marcus, it's not fair to put that weight on yourself alone. You can 'what if' your entire life, but it's not going to change anything. What if we hadn't moved to Spokane for your dad's pre-apprentice classes? What if I hadn't decided to work for Edwin? What if your aunt hadn't broken her ankle and asked me to come up here and work? There are dozens of things that happen around us that we can't control."

  "That doesn't make me feel any better," he said.

  "I'm not asking you to feel better," she said. "You feel how you want to feel. But just know that what happened wasn't your fault."

  "Then whose fault was it?"

  "It's not that simple."

  "It is!" he shouted. "It was my fault."

  The tears he was trying to hold back, now came like a flood. Amelia pulled him close and he cried into her shoulder. She could feel the years of pain finally being let out. The fights at school or with kids in the park. The sour attitude. She had no doubt that those things occurred because Marcus was holding back his feelings. That certainly didn’t make them right. But she understood it. Edwin's death was her fault too. Survivor's guilt.

  "I have those same feelings, honey," she said. "I miss Edwin, but I feel blessed to have known him. That man changed our lives in a hundred different ways. Nearly all of those ways are good. It's normal to feel sad because the world lost a good man."

  "Then what am I?" Marcus asked. "If he was such a good man—and he was. Then what am I?"

  "I don't understand what you're asking."

  "I'm not him. I'm not the generous guy they talk about in those stories," he was speaking at a fast pace. "I've seen what people have said about him. I've read the stories. That he made the ultimate sacrifice just one day after giving his entire toy store to needy kids. All the inventory. I've heard that story so many times I could recite it word for word in my sleep. But I'm not him. I'm not that good guy."

  "Neither of us are," she said. "That was him. Not us."

  "Then why am I here and he's not? Why did God decide to save me and take him? I'll never be able to live up to that or make up for it. It's not fair."

  Amelia didn't know what to say. She hadn't before considered what Marcus had just said. Then she remembered something a friend once told her.

  "Pastor Isakson told me something once that I think might help us."

  Marcus had turned his back to her. She touched his shoulders, but didn't force him to look at her. He would when he was ready.

  "He once told me that he believed there are no chance encounters in life, even little ones."

  "I don't know what that means," Marcus said.

  "I don't believe that I did either, until right now. It means that we might not understand why things happen, but it's our job to find that meaning and make the best of it. To learn from what has happened to us and make the world better because of it."

  "That doesn’t sound very easy."

  "No. No, it's not," Amelia said. "And maybe we haven't been doing such a good job on this. Maybe I haven't helped you the way that I should have. I'm sorry, Marcus. I'm sorry I've been away so much working."

  "I know, Mom. But isn’
t that why you were working so hard? To help Edwin's dream of a successful toy store come true?"

  "Yes, I guess you're right."

  Amelia opened her backpack and removed several items. A ball of twine, a hammer and two pieces of wood, painted white. One of the pieces was sharpened at the end like a spike.

  Marcus knew what to do. He pounded the stake into the ground on the beach where Edwin took his last breath. It was just a few feet from the water, under the shade of the tall pines. Amelia hadn't been looking before but it seemed as though this spot was the only one where wild flowers grew. It was fitting. And beautiful. Blue and yellow flowers swayed gently around them.

  She held the second piece of wood against the stake and Marcus tightly wrapped the twine around it, forming a simple white cross.

  Mother and son stood back and admired their handiwork. Amelia slipped her arm around Marcus's back and she hugged him close. She hadn't felt this close to him in years. It was amazing.

  It seemed somehow, things might be different now. Maybe Marcus could find some closure by facing this place again. Maybe all it took was for someone to listen.

  The two of them spent a few hours hiking around the lake, talking and simply enjoying each other's company. Amelia couldn't have asked for more.

  Chapter 16

  Part of Amelia wanted the drive home to take much longer, as Marcus hadn't talked and opened up about his life this much in years and she didn't want it to end. She actually drove the speed limit, right at 55, hoping to extend the visit before they got to the cabin.

  During the hike around the lake and the drive home, Marcus let the floodgates open. He wasn't getting along well with his father he said, which wasn't something that he talked about to Amelia at all. She knew that at times kids with divorced parents tried to play one parent against the other, but she didn't think that was what Marcus was doing. He wasn't asking her to do anything, he was simply venting.

  Amelia also knew that since Marcus was the older child, all the parenting mistakes she and Josh made happened to him first. The learning curve benefited Susanna, not Marcus.

  "Why do you think you and your dad are rocky right now?" Amelia asked.

  "I don't know, we just don't really talk about stuff," Marcus said. "He just tells me what to do."

  "Part of a parent's job is to tell you what to do," Amelia said. "I'll have to side with your father on that one. We've got to look out for you and sometimes that means being direct."

  "I know, but I don't know . . . he just asks a lot."

  "You mean he expects a lot of you?"

  "Yeah, I guess."

  "Well, so do I. You're a good kid. And if you weren't a good kid I would have traded you in for a new model years ago."

  Marcus just rolled his eyes. At least they were still talking. That was good sign. She hoped it continued.

  They returned to the cabin in the late afternoon. Amy stood at the kitchen counter, a smug look on her face.

  "And where have you been young lady?" she asked. She was chopping fruit and mixing it with Cool Whip for a salad.

  Amelia realized that she had forgotten to tell her sister that she would be gone for most of the day. She explained where they had gone and why. She didn't share every detail of what Marcus had told her, but she gave Amy the overview.

  "Well, don't sweat not telling us. I covered for you. Just like old times," Amy said.

  "Oh, yeah? How so?"

  "I told Priscilla and Susanna that you took Marcus to the spa for mani-pedis. I'm not sure if they bought it or not."

  "Smooth."

  "Hey, you left me no choice in the matter and I had to think quick on my feet."

  "Not quick enough, apparently," Amelia said with a wink. "Thank you though, and again, sorry for not giving you a heads up."

  "Not a problem," Amy said. "Oh, and one other thing. Since you weren't here to say no, we've been invited to Nate and Chloe's cabin for dinner on the new deck. I accepted on your behalf."

  "You didn't!"

  "I did," Amy said with a crooked smile. "I knew you'd say no and since you weren't here, this was the perfect way to say yes."

  Amelia couldn't believe the gall of her sister.

  "Well, I'm not going," she said.

  "That's fine. You can sit over here by yourself while the rest of us enjoy the beef brisket that Nate has been smoking on the deck all day long. I'm sure you smelled that as you came in. It won't look weird at all if you don't come. Not at all. Don't worry."

  "When are we supposed to be there?"

  "Ten minutes ago, I was stalling hoping you'd show up. And look, here you are!" Amy said. "Such a coincidence."

  "You're a terrible sister, you know that, right?" Amelia said, shaking her head and walking toward the bedroom to clean herself up and change.

  "Oh, you love me," Amy called after her. "I can feel the love behind that glare!"

  Amelia tossed her clothes about the bedroom. She had packed just about every outfit she owned, but had planned for days in the sun, not dinner parties. She wasn't prepared and wondered if she really could just skip it. But no, that wouldn't look too good for anyone involved.

  Her heart was beating quickly. She was nervous. Then she stopped frantically looking around the room and tried to calm herself. The search resumed when she dug into the back of the closet and she found the dress she was hoping to avoid.

  It's just a dinner with a former co-worker. Nothing else. The kids will be there too, it'll be nice. She repeated this over in her head, trying to convince herself she actually believed it. Why was she so nervous?

  * * *

  When Amelia stepped onto the deck Amy and Nate were talking quietly by the barbecue, on the far side of the space, while the kids were at the table looking at their phones. Yet they all stopped what they were doing at her arrival.

  Amelia had taken a few extra minutes to curl her hair and apply a little make-up. Just a little something around the eyes, but it didn't take much to make her look stunning. She'd always felt plain, but turned heads nonetheless.

  She decided to wear a yellow summer dress she had purchased a few months back, but had yet to show anyone. It had a V in the front. Sexy, but still modest. The hemline stopped above her knees, so her tan legs were on full display. She was instantly embarrassed by the attention she received. She blushed and nearly turned back into the cabin.

  "Hot mamma!" Amy exclaimed.

  "Yeah, Mom, you look amazing!" Susanna said, sounding surprised at her own words.

  "Come. Come," Amy waved her over. "Your empty wine glass is over here."

  Amelia joined the adults at the grill.

  "Oh, shoot, this bottle's empty too," Amy said. "Nate do you have a spare?"

  "I've got plenty," he said with a glint in his eye, as if the words had already been spoken. "You know where to find it."

  "Yes I do," Amy said, winking at Amelia.

  Amy was then off to find another bottle of wine in Nate's kitchen, leaving Amelia and Nate alone. The kids paid them no mind at all.

  "You look very nice tonight," Nate said in a low voice, possibly so the kids didn't hear. "That's a great dress."

  Amelia was taken aback at his comment on the dress. She was surprised he even noticed. Most guys would complement the woman and her looks alone, but not mention her clothes even though most women agonize over the outfit. The clothes could be changed, whereas the face and body were much harder. Nate had obviously been around enough women to know the difference.

  "Thank you," Amelia said gracefully. "I guess I got a little excited about the prospect of adult conversation."

  "You don't have adult conversation with your sister?"

  "That’s an interesting idea. She might be older, but she's a bit wacky too. She gets a little tipsy with the wine."

  "She does like her wine. I'll keep an eye out."

  "You should," Amelia replied with a chuckle.

  They both shared a harmless laugh at Amy's expense as she returned with a bot
tle of red.

  "What's so funny?" Amy asked.

  "Your sister was telling me you're quite the wine aficionado," Nate said.

  "Yes, I'm sure those were her exact words," Amy replied. "But I have been known to tip back a celebratory glass or two on occasion."

  "Well, tonight is a perfect night for that," Nate said. "We're celebrating the successful completion of this fine deck. Thanks to Marcus' hard work, it turned out just great."

  From the table, Marcus called out, "The credit goes to you Mr. Rosen. I just followed directions." Then added, "You were a good boss, contrary to popular belief."

  "Marcus!" Amelia said.

  "It's OK," Nate said.

  Marcus held up his can of soda and Nate raised his glass of wine in reply and the boys shared an informal toast of their efforts.

  Nate then turned to Amelia.

  "I guess someone didn't get the memo about how much of a jerk boss I am," he said.

  "The night is young," Amelia replied, clinking her glass to his.

  And just like moments earlier, they shared a genuine laugh that Amelia had to admit, felt pretty darn good.

  Chapter 17

  "Mr. Rosen?" Susanna asked during dinner. They were all huddled around the outdoor table enjoying barbecued beef brisket with a dry salty rub, roasted corn on the cob, flaky biscuits and fruit salad. A nice summer dinner.

  "You can call me, Nate," he said.

  Susanna giggled.

  "OK, Nate," she said, sounding very mature. "I think I saw a boat sunk in the cove yesterday, by the dock. Aunt Amy said you might know why it was there."

  Nate smiled as the memory caught hold.

  "I almost forgot about that," he said. "Yes. I do know about it. What did it look like?"

  "Well, it was kind of hard to see, because it was pretty deep and the water is really muddy. It was like a row boat, but green. But that might be because of all the seaweed and muck."

  "No, it was green—dark evergreen. But I'm sure it was covered in silt from the lakebed too. It's been down there since the 1980s."

  "Whoa, that's forever ago," Susanna exclaimed.