Better Not Love Me Read online

  Chapter 33

  Two days later

  Amelia and Amy sat on blankets at the water's edge in front of the cabin. Amelia listened to her sister drone on about how good the UPS delivery guy looked in his little brown shorts. Something about a man in a uniform got her all excited. It's not that Amelia didn't agree. She saw the man too, but she just wasn't in the mood.

  "What did you order anyway?" Amelia said.

  "What do you mean?" Amy replied.

  "The UPS driver dropped off a package. What did you order?"

  "Oh, it wasn't for me, the guy got the cabins mixed up. It was for Nate. I'm not sure what it was, but I took it over next door. It shook like it was full of marbles. What's with you guys anyway? I haven't seen him around."

  Amelia wasn't sure how to respond.

  She hadn't seen Nate for the last two days. The drive back from Spokane was eerily quiet. Amelia knew Nate had lied to her and she didn't understand why, nor did she have the courage to ask. Nate, for his part, didn't offer up any explanation; so she stuck to her guns, kept quiet and let the awkwardness fill in the gap. He looked flushed during the drive, but she imagined that was just a part of working outside at the shelter in the heat of the summer. Chloe was quiet too. She just stared out the window and picked the nail polish off her fingers.

  Amelia tried to push the thoughts from her mind, because there was nothing she could do about it anyway.

  So she shifted her focus to Susanna and Marcus, which was the whole point of renting this cabin anyway. They played board games and watched cheesy movies on cable TV. Marcus seemed to be rejuvenated from the visit with Pastor Isakson. He even mentioned Denny and said he'd like to see her again. Susanna, as usual, was cool as a cucumber. Nothing seemed to bother her, which was a relief.

  She wondered if Nate was waiting for her to come see him. It drove her crazy to think about it. We're both adults, why should it matter who goes to see the other one first? But it did. If she went over, she was needy. If he came over, she'd think he wanted something. It was maddening and all the more heightened because she truly cared for this man who had only recently revealed himself as a decent guy. Or had he? She didn’t know.

  "Nate and I are just taking it easy," Amelia said. "This summer isn't about finding love."

  "Who said anything about love?" Amy replied. "How about a little happiness to go with it?"

  "I'm happy," but even as she said it, she knew the words were not convincing.

  "OK then. Let's pretend that didn't sound like total bull crap for just a minute, all right? Good. What makes you happy?"

  "I'm not playing this game."

  "It's not a game, Little Sis, it’s life. And if you can’t rattle off the few things in this world that make you happy, then you're in a world of hurt. And not happy."

  What did make her happy? Her children, obviously. She liked running. She got a nice high from that. She enjoyed the customers at Mr. Z's. She liked being busy and having a goal to achieve. She liked it when Nate brushed her hair back from her eyes and when he kissed her . . .

  "Lots of things make me happy," she finally replied.

  "OK, keep that list to yourself, but I get the feeling that sitting around this cabin all summer isn't on the list despite your best intentions for coming here."

  "No. It's not," Amelia admitted. "I've never had any downtime in my entire life. I thought I would enjoy doing nothing. A couple months’ vacation with no responsibilities whatsoever."

  "It's not so easy to unwind is it?"

  "Maybe there's something wrong with me."

  "There something wrong with all of us," Amy said. "We get used to getting up at the crack of dawn, punching the clock and fighting our way toward the weekend. We keep our heads down and, when we do, the world passes us by. When we stop to take a breath and ease up on the work, we see the important things in our lives and it scares us. It scares me."

  "How do you mean?"

  "Imagine what it would be like if the only thing that mattered was being healthy, happy and surrounded by the ones we love and by those who love us just the same."

  "That sounds like a fantasy," Amelia said.

  "No, it sounds like the summer you had planned," Amy said. "So what's missing?"

  Amelia knew what it was. It was the drive. Work. The job she hated so much was lingering in the back of her mind every minute. What would have happened to Mr. Z's if she hadn't walked away? Would they be closing? Was it all her fault?

  Amelia was scared too. Scared that if she put her time and effort into trying to save the toy stores that she would fall into the same vortex that swallowed her up last time. She'd be away from the kids too. Marcus was turning 18 in just a few days and Susanna needed her mom, even if she was cool as a cucumber.

  And besides, she had no idea how to save Mr. Z's. She had hoped that their visit to the Annex would have convinced Nate to join her in hatching a plan to save the company, but that didn't happen. He was nowhere to be found.

  To keep the stores open she needed two things: money and control. Unfortunately she had neither. Control was in the hands of Graham Barnes, a man she knew by reputation only and the reputation wasn't good. She was stumped on the money too. She had a nice nest egg saved up, but she'd need 1,000 nest eggs to get any attention. It was infuriating.

  * * *

  Amelia decided she had waited long enough for Nate. Maybe they could work through this problem together. At least she could feel like she was doing something.

  She excused herself and told Amy she needed to stretch her legs and headed toward the neighboring cabin. So she wasn't completely obvious, she avoided the dirt path from the beach and took the access road behind it. She walked past the tree stump near the edge of the road. The tree that a young Nate shot. She wondered what it meant to him, seeing that reminder of his own fears. She wondered who cut it down and why.

  She was nervous when she reached the front door of the cabin and knocked. It was quiet and the UPS package was still sitting on the step. She knocked again and waited. After a few lingering moments, she circled the cabin toward the deck and to peer in the window to see if maybe they just hadn't heard her knocking.

  On the back deck, the patio furniture and BBQ grill were gone—put away for the season. She looked down at the dock and noticed for the first time that Nate's boat was missing too. How had she not noticed that? Then she looked in the cabin window. All the furniture was covered in white sheets. The ghostly shapes in the room told the story, but she couldn’t believe it. Nate was gone.

  Chapter 34

  Dallas, Texas

  Nate watched as a medical rescue helicopter hovered at the edge of the hospital across the medical campus parking lot. From his chair in the Oncology Treatment Center he could see downtown Dallas. The helicopter had arrived from that direction, too. He wondered what sort of medical emergency forced the helicopter into use. Heart attack? Car accident? His mind quickly dipped into all the terrible things that could have happened to someone. He wondered if they deserved it. If their medical emergency was karma for a lifetime of inaction, missed opportunities and regret. Or maybe he was just putting those feelings on this nameless helicopter patient because he was too weak to put it on himself.

  The area below his collarbone hurt. The new port was where the medicine entered his bloodstream. Was it really medicine? Chemotherapy was poison. The nurse who started his chemotherapy treatment was young and athletic, with a broad smile and bangs that obscured her face when she leaned forward to work on the cocktail in his IV drip. The old man in the chair to his right specifically requested her, shooing away another nurse. The man seemed annoyed that the nurse he preferred was working with other patients. He didn't want to share.

  Nate could see why.

  The nurse stayed upbeat for her patient's benefit, but no doubt it was a defense mechanism for the job she did. Seeing patients in treatment everyday had to be draining. Even as the therapy worked and the cancer cells diminished, the patients gr
ew weak thanks to the poison that fought the battle raging inside them.

  Nate had been in this chair before. He met patients who on a weekly basis would plop down next to him and get their treatment. He saw several complete their regimen and celebrate their win over cancer. Remission. He had been one of them before. The nurses would blast rock music and dance like maniacs letting the flood of emotions overwhelm all of them. They had won. They got one. Nurses, doctors and patients welcomed the win. But the sad truth was that for every celebratory party, there were twice as many quiet whispers telling fellow patients that another of their friends had lost their fight.

  Nate knew the odds. He knew what was coming when he walked into his appointment in Spokane with Chloe by his side on the day they visited the shelter. He had decided it did his daughter no good to be shielded from the reality of what was about to happen to him. Who is ever really old enough or mature enough to deal with the death of their lone parent? He didn't want Chloe to regret anything or resent him for trying to protect her, so he let her sit in on the appointment with the doctor. It was the first time that she had heard anyone utter the words "life expectancy."

  The doctor told him cancer had spread to his remaining kidney. A biopsy would provide conclusive proof, but the treatment options would be the same regardless of what they found, so the treatment needed to start immediately.

  "I know you're only up here for the summer," the doctor had said. "I've consulted with your oncologist in Dallas who has reviewed your results. He agrees that you need to start treatment immediately. We can get you set up here in Spokane this week."

  Chloe had burst into tears, her hands covering her face. Nate draped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close to him. Nate thanked the doctor, but said no thank you. He'd prefer to start and finish treatment in Dallas. The summer was nearly over and Chloe needed to return to school. He asked the doctor to make the arrangements so he could begin treatment in Dallas in a few days. He knew how weak he would become and the thought of traveling in that condition was unbearable. It was best to just head home.

  So today in Dallas, he tried to be positive. The broad smile his nurse was flashing at all her patients in the treatment room reminded him of Amelia's smile, and he was immediately brought back to their time together. He regretted what he did to her. Not telling Amelia about the new bout of cancer was the coward's way out. And asking Chloe to hide the secret was terrible too.

  "But she cares about you dad," Chloe had said. "She would want to know what's happening with you. Wouldn't you want to know if the roles were reversed?"

  Yes I would, he thought, but that's why he decided to hide it. Nate knew Amelia's story with Edwin, how they had just begun a loving relationship when he died. He didn't want to put her through that again. He couldn't. It's the main reason why he had spent all those years intentionally putting distance between them—so that there would be no reason for her to desire him, even as he longed for her. No reason for her to love him and get hurt all over again. He was a sick man. A dying man who didn't want to have a grieving partner left behind. He had done that when Stephanie died. He'd grieved and been pained. He didn't subscribe to the old axiom that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

  Why put her through that pain? She better not love me, he thought. She can't.

  So he left the cabin without saying a word. Sure, he could be called a coward. That was fair, but his actions were intentional. Save Amelia from the pain. It's better that she not love me, he thought. This would seal it.

  * * *

  His nurse returned to his chair when his 90-minute treatment was over.

  "Do you have anyone to drive you home?" she asked. "You're going to feel pretty weak after this one."

  "Yes. My daughter is waiting."

  "Good. You don't want to be alone right now."

  No. No, I don't.

  Chapter 35

  Later that summer

  Back at the Cabin

  Despite everything, the last weeks of August were great for the Cook family. Marcus and Susanna got along well for the first time in as far back as Amelia could remember. Amy was excited and happy like never before because her elder son, Max, finally arrived to close out the summer with the family. It was wonderful to see Amy, Priscilla and the newcomer Max together, something that only took place on holidays and the rare occasion that Max made the trip up to Bonners Ferry from Pullman where he was attending Washington State University.

  Amelia sat in a reclining lawn chair on the grass by the beach sipping an ice tea and watched Max and Marcus splash around in the lake by the dock. Max was several years older and a full-grown man, even if at the moment he was having a contest with Marcus to see who could hold their breath the longest underwater.

  Max was completely immersed in his studies at school. He was heading into his senior year and on track to get a degree in Biology; something he hoped would propel him to continue his education in veterinary medicine. WSU had a large veterinary school, which was the reason Max stayed in Pullman during breaks. While his classmates returned to their hometowns over the summer, Max worked at the veterinary school. It was mostly odd jobs cleaning up after animals visiting the clinic, but he didn't mind. It was a job and he got experience while he worked.

  Amelia marveled at the different paths Max and Marcus took since that night Edwin saved them on the partially frozen waters of Rocktop Lake. The boys had always been close. For years they even shared a room when both families lived in the Cook sisters' childhood home before Amelia moved with the kids to Spokane.

  Marcus retreated into himself and struggled with anger issues. He fought with boys he just met. He talked back. There was a chip on his shoulder and Amelia couldn’t figure out why everything was so hard for him.

  Max on the other hand took the tragic accident and used it to gather strength. He had a strong belief in God and said on many occasions that what happened that night was all part of His plan, and it's not a plan we're privy to. Max was also a hero. While both boys were rescued by Edwin, it was Max who truly saved Marcus. He strapped Marcus to the horse that brought him down the mountain, all the while leading the horse down the twisting trail in blizzard conditions. Max was just as cold and wet that night. Thanks to frostbite, he was now missing the smallest two toes on his right foot because he gave his socks and dry boots to his cousin. It was a selfless act to give so much to another in need.

  If not for Max's quick thinking and bold actions, Marcus would have died that night, too. He was given a life-saving award by the county commissioners and was highlighted in the newspaper. The incident was also the basis for many of his school scholarship applications. If not for the scholarships, school would be just a dream for him.

  The boys were certainly on different paths. She worried about Marcus. When would he find his direction, as Max had?

  Amy set a glass of fresh ice tea on the side table next to Amelia, replacing the empty one. She then lay down on the lounge chair adjacent to her sister.

  "You know what he told me this morning?" Amy asked, gazing at the boys in the water.

  "Max?"

  Amy nodded.

  "He told me that he missed me. And I don't know if it was because he'd been away for so long or if he was just feeling a little emotional, but never once since he went away to school has he told me that he missed me."

  "I'm sure he does," Amelia said. "Being away from home has got to be tough."

  "It just felt good. Like I did something right."

  Amelia raised her eyebrows.

  "You question if you do the right things for them?"

  "Of course I do," Amy replied. "You know how it is—raising kids alone. You always question if you do enough or miss something important that will send your offspring into a tailspin when they become adults."

  "Only the good parents worry about that stuff," Amelia said. "The people who think they have it all figured out—that they are perfect parents, with no worries—those
are the people who should be worried."

  "Well, by that standard I'm good, because I'm constantly worried."

  "Me too."

  The boys were now doing cannon balls off the dock, competing to make the biggest splash. Susanna and Priscilla were presiding as the judges. They held up imaginary score cards and yelled, "Ten!" when the splashes came.

  Amelia wanted to bottle up the day and save it forever.

  * * *

  That night Marcus scrubbed a dish in the sink before handing it to Amelia to dry. After dinner he had appointed himself in charge of clean up, something he'd not done all summer. He had cleared the table and was now tackling the dishes in the sink. Amelia tried to hide her enthusiasm for his sudden interest in helping with the chores. This was a difficult task because this simple act was huge for him. He sloshed water all over the floor and she would no doubt need to re-do several of the pots and pans, but she didn't care. As with many other things, it’s the thought that counts and he was making strides.

  "Did you know that vets work with big animals, too?" Marcus asked Amelia.

  "I guess so. Why?"

  "I don't know. I just always thought they only did like cats and dogs and stuff."

  "Was Max telling you about the animal clinic today?"

  "Yeah. It actually sounded pretty cool," Marcus said, his voice excited. "They have horses and goats and cows. People bring in all kinds of stuff. Even eagles with broken wings. They nurse them back to health and set them free in the wild again. Well, the eagles at least."

  "Max gets to work on those things?"

  "Not all of it," he said. "The older students get to try first, but in the summer he gets to do more. It's awesome."

  "It sounds pretty cool," Amelia said, pleased that Marcus was showing an interest, so she decided to press him a little more. "Is that something that you might like to do?"

  Marcus didn't hesitate.