Better Not Love Me Read online

  Amelia was struggling with her reaction. She was hurt and confused. For years this man had secretly pined for her, but chose to treat her terribly because of it. This made absolutely no sense to her. Then she thought about those few times she had seen him and wondered about his appearance. She now understood why he looked so sickly one year, then fine the next. It was because of the stages of his cancer.

  "How bad did the cancer get?" she said, avoiding a response to his emotional admissions to her.

  "Removing the tumor and getting chemo didn't work," he said. "They removed one of my kidneys altogether and I went through a second round of intense chemo. They caught it early, but looking back they should have taken the kidney the first time they went in. They thought because we found it very early that the cancer wouldn’t have time to spread beyond the tumor. So it was a full two years before they took the kidney. The body works fine with one kidney, it's not like I miss it or anything."

  "That's the scar on your back?" she asked. "Let me see it."

  He turned away from her and pulled up his shirt. She gently ran her finger over the pink scar on his tanned back. She couldn't help herself. Her hands slipped around his body to his chest. She scooted closer and she leaned into him for an embrace. She could again feel his breathing. He placed his hands over hers, keeping her near him.

  They stayed like that for a long while, not saying a word until Amelia released him and he turned back toward her.

  "You're a mystery, Mr. Rosen,” she said.

  “I’m sorry I put you through all that, Ms. Cook."

  "You know that I've been divorced now for years," she said.

  "I do."

  "And that I no longer work for you," she continued.

  "That’s abundantly clear."

  "So those restrictions you put on us no longer exist."

  "I suppose not," he said.

  She stood up and he did the same. It would be so easy for her to lead him into the bedroom and do the thing they were both clearly thinking about. The attraction had been instant. Once his admissions to her were out in the open, she wanted him with every ounce of her being. But she resisted. They had yet to even kiss. She saw how his shirt bulged around his firm pecs. She held herself back from touching them again and running her hands down his stomach.

  "I'll tell you what, Mr. Rosen," she said playfully. "We have a chance to try again. To start over. And as much as I want to rip that shirt off of you—and I freely admit that I would like to—I'm not going to. You need to earn that, and I think after all this time you know why."

  "I think I see where you're going with this," he said.

  Amelia surprised herself by kissing Nate deeply. She pressed her body against his. Their mouths intertwined in a synchronized movement and their hands explored each other’s body. His body felt like a chiseled block of granite. Its hard ridges drew her in, but when Amelia felt she was at the point of no return—when she thought she might not be able stop herself from allowing Nate to pick her up and carry her into the bedroom—she stopped.

  She put her hand on his chest and took a step back, creating a slight distance between them. The distance was needed to break their magnetic connection. The pull toward him was strong. They were breathing deeply and it was clear the connection between them had not really been severed. Not one bit. Their senses were stimulated and they were only focused on each other.

  "I think that's enough for tonight," she said as their eyes continued to stay locked. She could see the disappointment in his eyes, which pleased her.

  "We've got some making up to do before this continues any further," she said with a smile.

  "How so?"

  "You can pick me up tomorrow. Plan something fun. Let's start there."

  She kissed him on the cheek and left him standing alone in the living room. She didn't even glance back as she walked out, hoping that her gamble paid off. Did she upset him, or challenge him? Was he watching her leave or would he chase after her?

  Once she was on the trail between the two cabins and clearly out of sight, she stopped to catch her breath. Never in a million years had she thought this was how tonight would conclude, but she was oh so glad that it had.

  For the first night in a long time, she would go to bed thinking about Nate, but not with hatred or distain, as she had for so long. No. Her thoughts were the kind of thoughts that you wouldn't share in public, but savor in the privacy of your own bedroom.

  Chapter 20

  Morning came early for Amelia. She couldn't sleep the previous night. She was thinking of Nate alone in his bedroom next door and what it felt like to be embraced by him. She wondered if he was thinking about her too. Should she have acted on those feelings last night? She'd so rarely had the attention of a man.

  The men she had been seriously involved with over the course of her entire life could be counted on just one hand. Well, part of one hand. Just two fingers. Josh and Edwin. That's it. Good men, sure; but a sad accounting on her part.

  Josh had been her mainstay for decades, even if the relationship was off and on. They'd met in high school—he was the star quarterback who had high potential and a college scholarship that he lost after getting caught drinking at a party before his college playing days even began. He was handsome, athletic and easy to be around. Amelia had thought she was going to follow him to the University of Montana, but when the scholarship fell through Josh was stuck in Bonners Ferry, just like everyone else.

  Amelia got pregnant with Marcus not too long after high school, so she and Josh made the best of it. They lived together, but it was more like cohabitation than a thriving relationship. He wasn't the most attentive father and knew his personal failures were the reason they never left Bonners Ferry. It grated on him, even if he didn’t show it outwardly.

  After Susanna was born, there was a further strain on their relationship. But Josh, for his part, tried to make the best of it. Or so Amelia thought. They packed up everything, moved to Spokane and he went to school to become a journeyman electric lineman working for the local utility company. She thought that they could finally be together, get married and he could support them in their new life in Spokane. It was all planned out.

  But hoping for a good outcome isn't enough. She supported him as he attended pre-apprentice school. But when the classes were over, he claimed there were no jobs in Spokane for him. He found work in Reno, Nevada, and promised to find a place for them once he was settled in. He needed to be sure Reno was going to work out. But Amelia knew she had been duped from the beginning.

  His time in Nevada was his first time away from her during their adult lives. He wanted to explore his options and since they still weren't married at that point, he found someone else. Josh stayed in Nevada with his girlfriend, while Amelia tried to hold it together in Spokane. Amelia should have been crushed. And she did feel like a fool, but she had two kids to support and now she was living in a city she didn't know.

  If not for Josh skipping town, Amelia would never have met Edwin. The two found each other when they needed the other most. He was still recovering from the loss of his wife and she was looking for a stabilizing force for herself and the kids. She dove head first into helping Edwin at Mr. Z's and in turn began a relationship that would change them both forever.

  Amelia knew that Edwin cared for her, but he was still madly in love with his late wife, Mary. He didn't go looking for a relationship, Amelia pursued him. She knew that. And it only lasted a month; from Black Friday to Christmas Day. Is that enough time to decide that you want to be with someone? Or was she just in that infatuation phase that always comes with something new? She'd never know, but she will always remember Edwin as a great man. Even though it was a short period of time, she still missed him—even six years later.

  The day Edwin died was the same day that Josh returned to her. Josh told her that he'd made a terrible mistake that he wanted to make up for however he could. He wanted them to try again. He promised that this time it was different
. But isn't that what they all say?

  Maybe it was because she was reeling from Edwin's sudden death and she needed familiar Josh in her life, but she decided to give him another chance. Josh quit his job in Nevada and worked side-by-side with her at Mr. Z's Toys. They got married too. It was a simple wedding. A family honeymoon followed. They were content together. But it wasn't much different than before. They didn't fight; never had. They cohabitated and co-parented. But the passion and spark was gone, replaced by routine and familiarity.

  They mutually agreed that they needed to separate and divorce after less than two years. Divorce was such a strong word. It meant they didn't love each other anymore and could never see a future together in any way. But that wasn't true. They wanted to raise their kids together, but the separation allowed them the freedom to seek love elsewhere because they both knew it wasn't there between them. But Amelia didn't go looking for love. She buckled down and started her new career as the head of Mr. Z's. There was just no time for love.

  Did she blame Josh for putting them in this situation? Not at all. She still loved Josh and probably always would. He had made mistakes. Big ones. Like staying in Reno when he should have been with his family in Spokane. But he made up for it by coming back to them and being the lifeboat she needed years ago. That just wasn't enough for a successful marriage. And was marriage really what she was looking for now anyway? What would the future bring? Marcus was nearly out of the house and it would just be her and Susanna. The thought occurred to Amelia that maybe this was her time to explore her options—like Josh did—and just have some fun. She wasn't burdened by work. In fact she didn't know what lay ahead for her, but eventually she needed to find another job. She wasn't one to sit idle.

  And now Nate re-enters the picture. What to do about that handsome man? Her on-and-off-again relationship with Josh had not taught her anything about relationships. And her short, but unforgettable, fling with Edwin didn't make her a relationship expert either. She didn't want to get hurt and Nate had already shown that he could be cruel, even if he had his reasons. That baggage from their shared past couldn't be ignored. So her defenses were up. But she was getting ahead of herself. They'd only shared a kiss. That was it.

  While she couldn't ignore what Nate was like before, she also knew that he had made a change in his life too. He had listened to her scolding in Dallas and took it to heart. He didn't seek her out, they just happened to find each other again, completely by coincidence. Had that not occurred she would have continued to hate him until the end of time. But that didn't happen and she wasn't feeling hatred toward him at all.

  Like she told him last night, they had a chance to start over. The only real question in her mind was whether or not she could actually forgive the past and begin anew. She'd done it with Josh and it didn't work. Would it work with Nate?

  * * *

  "Your yellow dress smells like cologne," Amy said as she and Amelia sipped their morning coffee on the front deck. As usual, the kids were still asleep.

  Amelia had positioned herself so she could see if Nate made an appearance on his deck. To her disappointment, he had not, but that didn't stop her from looking.

  "What in the world are you talking about?" Amelia asked.

  "That sexy little number you wore last night. The yellow one. It smells like a man."

  "Is that your way of telling me I need to switch deodorant?" Amelia asked, but she knew quite well what her nosy sister was implying.

  "Oh, stop pretending," Amy said coyly. "You and Mr. Hottie got it on last night!"

  Amelia nearly spit out her coffee at the accusation.

  "Um, no. That didn't happen," Amelia said, yet thinking about how close it came to actually happening. "You have an active imagination, Big Sis."

  "Let me run this one down for you. I—being the helpful wingman, or I guess wing-woman that I am—excused myself last night, taking with me all the children in attendance at our little get-together. We leave you two alone and in minutes you've left the deck and locked yourselves away inside the cabin."

  Amelia listened to her sister with her eyebrows raised, as if she was shocked at being accused of bedding Nate.

  Amy continued. "I'm not too proud to say that I took a big whiff of that dress this morning in your laundry basket and yes, it smelled like sex."

  "That's disgusting. You smelled my dress?"

  "I'm your big sister. I need to know things."

  "Do you routinely smell my dirty laundry?" Amelia was incredulous.

  "Only as needed," Amy said, waving it off like it was no big deal.

  "Well, you're sniffing in the wrong direction bloodhound."

  "So nothing happened between you two last night?"

  "I didn't say that," Amelia couldn't hide her grin any longer.

  "I knew it!" Amy exclaimed.

  "No, not that. Get your mind out of the gutter."

  "Hmm, I don't know about that. The gutter looked pretty darn fine last night. I think I'll stay in the gutter for a while."

  Amelia described her evening alone with Nate and didn't leave out any details—especially the kiss. She told her Nate's reasons for treating her so poorly as an employee. And about Nate's late wife and why he brought Chloe to the cabin this summer. She explained his illness too.

  "So he's got cancer?" Amy asked.

  "Not anymore. They removed one of his kidneys and he's fine now."

  Amy set her coffee down and stared off into the distance toward the lake. Amelia could tell she was thinking of something that she wasn't saying and that was very unlike her sister.

  "Just tell me what you're thinking," Amelia said.

  After a moment to collect her thoughts, Amy replied.

  "Nate's a first class hottie. That's not a question. And—as a side note—part of me is mad at you because I wanted him for myself. But I'll let that go for now. I'm having trouble with why he'd act that way toward you for years, because while he was a jerk, he could also, quite possibly, be the most sincere man on Earth for finding a way to block those feelings."

  "It was an odd time for both of us," Amelia said. "He'd just been diagnosed with cancer and was dealing with that shock. And I was splitting from Josh and trying to understand my new role at the company. Neither one of us asked to be put in that position. Yet, I understand where you're coming from too. I'm not sure I'm completely comfortable with what he did either. He's got a lot of making up to do."

  "I guess that shouldn't stop you from having a little fun this summer."

  "It's not like that."

  "Well, it should be. You deserve it and if you don't jump his bones, I will."

  "I'm not that kind of girl," Amelia said.

  "How do you even know that? You've only ever slept with two men."

  Amelia looked away to avoid eye contact with her sister, hoping the comment would pass without further inquiry. No such luck.

  "You've only ever been with Josh? Really?"

  Amelia nodded.

  "Oh boy, this is more serious that I thought!" Amy exclaimed.

  "Don't tease me."

  "I'm not teasing you, but at least now I know I need to impart my years of wisdom on you."

  "That sounds super weird."

  "Only if your partner agrees to it being weird beforehand," Amy said, with a devilish laugh.

  "This isn't all about sex, you know."

  "I know, but I don't have much in the way of relationship advice to give you. I'm working with the cards I was dealt."

  "Fair point."

  "Now, go get a pen. Let's talk about the horizontal tango. This might take a while."

  Amelia just rolled her eyes.

  * * *

  Amelia tinkered around the cabin all day, waiting for word from Nate. She was excited for whatever he had planned for them to do. A real date was a momentous occasion. She'd told him to pick her up some time that day, but she had no idea what she was in store for. It was now the late afternoon and Nate had not come over.


  She tried to read her book, but quickly lost interest. She put a puzzle together with Priscilla, which was a nice distraction. All the kids were at the house, so they were all busy talking. But when dinner time came, Amelia's heart sank. Surely he'd have already told her when to be ready if he had planned to come pick her up. As they ate dinner she was quiet, and she could tell that the family knew she was down, even if they didn’t know why.

  They picked a movie from the DVD collection in the living room and watched it together to pass the time. Amelia barely watched any of it. After the movie, Marcus mentioned that he'd gone next door to see Chloe earlier that day, but no one answered the door and Nate's truck was gone. Where had Nate and Chloe gone?

  Maybe Nate wasn't that interested after all. Amelia went to bed early and cried herself to sleep.

  Chapter 21

  Nate looked up at the hospital as Chloe eased the truck off the highway and down a side street. The Coeur d’Alene Medical Center was the largest hospital complex in North Idaho. It was a full scale hospital, roughly an hour's drive from the cabin, which is why Nate selected it. He could have gone into one of the larger hospitals in Spokane, but he'd hoped this trip was just a short one. No reason to make a big deal about it. It was bad enough that he'd had to enlist Chloe to drive him. His vision had become hazy that morning so he wasn't comfortable behind the wheel.

  Chloe didn't seem to mind helping, although he did not like having to be taken care of at all. Not one bit. His daughter shouldn’t be his caretaker. He didn't want her to be burdened with him. The thought of a child taking care of parents made him feel guilty. His parents never asked him to help care for them, but he knew they had struggled. He had visited and called, but he wasn't an active participant in their care by any means. Despite his guilt, he didn't want Chloe to feel the same, but he needed to get himself to the hospital and she was the only option he had.

  He knew he'd been overdoing it. Ever since they arrived at the cabin he'd been working on physically demanding activities almost non-stop. This wasn't the norm for him. Sure, he'd go to the gym and work out four or five times a week, but those short bursts of activity were designed to give him energy for the day as he sat behind a desk. His body was not used to full days of back-breaking labor. His back was stiff. His hamstrings pricked with pain and his knees were sore. But he'd pushed through. He wanted the deck complete and he needed to be busy. So he worked.